This reflection is about the ego and the role it plays when you are outside your comfort zone and feel out of control. These are my own insights and truths coming through from two life experiences of living on the edge during enormous change and transition in my life. As I prepare to launch my program, Women on the Cusp of Change, I spend much time reflecting on the similarities and differences between my two experiences. The intent is to look for insights and lessons learned that can be shared as we all are in the midst of the change and transition resulting from the shifting of consciousness now occurring on the planet.
Although my first transition had many of the same characteristics as my second one, I experienced it with minimal struggle and suffering. Whereas,
during my most recent transition, there was struggle, hardship and periods of profound self doubt with feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and total confusion.
I wondered, why these differences? The answer that makes sense to me is contained in how the healthy ego, the "edging God out" ego, and my conditioned mind were operating in my life. These are my words for concepts that have meaning for me. Here is how I view them.
The healthy ego is that part of our total awareness created to watch over and maintain the material plane and the requirements of the body. We must have an ego to exist on the earth plane and it was meant to be in service to our spirit. The "edging God out" ego is the healthy ego translating its role from overseeing the material domain to thinking it actually owns everything and becomes very defensive about what it knows and thinks. The conditioned mind, to me, is our habitual, patterned and culturally influenced way of perceiving and problem solving..
The first time my life turned upside down I had been living and working in the Pacific Rim for 10 years. This was an unbelievably expansive experience for me that uprooted culturally influenced belief systems, taught me adaptability and resourcefulness and eliminated many personal fears. External conditions in my life forced me to leave my paradise and return to the United States. I use the word "forced" because I did not want to live in my country of origin. Despite the resistance, disappointment and sadness, I returned to start my life over again. I had $500 to my name, no car or home and inappropriate clothing. I moved in with my brother, bought one suit, took a part time job as a telemarketer and began a search for a suitable position in a corporation, taking the bus to work and interviews. None of these conditions bothered me. I was living in the present moment with an open heart before The Power of Now was written. I experienced many challenges during the year it took to settle into a new lifestyle but I had no other feeling than I was a child of God with my divine plan unfolding daily. And I "manifested" everything I needed without my mind being caught up in clearing blocks, setting intentions, doing affirmations, etc.
So what was operating in my life to make this possible? My healthy ego, having had much practice in adapting to new cultures and people, was alive and well and provided me with resourceful answers to situations as they presented themselves. My "edging God out" ego was in the background as a result of a three month soul-led retreat before I returned to U.S. The retreat ended with me writing a letter to God which said "Dear God, Here is the rest of my life. The page was blank until my signature at the end. And last, my cross cultural experience, especially living and working in 3rd world countries, changed the way my mind perceived things,.e.g. it was no big deal not having a car, it was a big deal having air conditioning in a bus. This change in perceptual lens kept my "edging God out" ego from playing tapes like :poor me"; "I am so ashamed"; "I must have something wrong".
Since I did so well with this life transition, my soul must have decided to create another topsy turvy one 16 years later. This one was definitely Ph.D. level and lasted six long years during which time I had struggle to maintain my center. More about this and lessons learned in next week's reflection.
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REFLECTIONS FROM LIVING ON THE EDGE
I have explored the concept of living on the edge for many years. I feel like I am on the edge when I am way outside my comfort zone and the notion that I have any control over your life is exposed for what it is – an illusion. Since I am innately a risk taker, my life journey has taken me to many edges. As my comfort zone expanded, so did the edges each presenting the next level of discomfort.
The situations that evoke the feeling of living on the edge will vary in character and severity depending on the person experiencing them. Our comfort zones are determined by our past experience, belief systems and the inner work we have done. However, the feeling of being very vulnerable an not in control will be the same.
There is much to be learned when you experience living on the edge. In fact, for me, it is a pathway to finding my true essential self and refining the ability to stay in the present moment. My intent for this blog is to stimulate a sharing of reflections: what your “edge” experience meant to you, what you learned and guidelines for helping others. I will post a reflection on a weekly basis and I hope you will join in the conversation.
“Come to the edge, he said
They said: We are afraid
Come to the edge, he said
They came. He pushed them and they flew.”
Guillaume Apollinaire